Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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