Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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