she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
