He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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