Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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