I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
