It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
