Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
