The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
