When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
