I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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