We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
