just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
