as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
