Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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