Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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