my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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