I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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