So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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