So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
