i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
