fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
