Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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