Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
