Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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