you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
