the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I want her autograph on my taint
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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