Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
