Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
