my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
