My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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