Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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