K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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