Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
