My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
