Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize