I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
