im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
