I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
