I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
