i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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