Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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