I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
