Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
