Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
