Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
