You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
