Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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