how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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