There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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