nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
