I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
