he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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