Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
