It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize