Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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