I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize