Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
