i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize